Dark Lord Contest #1

Hey guys, Kalaxir here.  And now for something completely different!

I have decided there are too many Dark Lords running about.  Therefore, I, the Dark Lord of General Nonsense will be hosting contests of elimination, which will happen on the last Saturday of every month from now on,  Now, let us see who chose to DIE tonight!

This is Ser'tesh'threll'shan, known across the Alpha Quadrant and the Outer Rim as Sertesh.  He is twice as strong as the Doctor and is wearing a cap made from vibranium which he bought from the Joker.  Now that I've irritated every popular sci-fi theme, feel free to note that he is the commander of a huge army of robots I defeated recently, who must earn back his army by winning this contest.

Our other contestant has decided to remain anonymous, but I met him at a science fair where he was selling this cool Tesseract on a stick.  Of course, it was on a stick, since it's a fair.*  He has wagered the secret of his invention to be given to me if he loses.  He shall be called Buford in the meantime.

3,2,1, To the Death!

Buford and Sertesh are equals with the sword, and it's quite a spectacular duel of villainy.  I keep wondering why Buford has a picture of a foot on his back, but I suppose all Dark Lords have their secrets.

Sertesh is forcing Buford around the arena.  Evidently he wants his army back.  But wait!  Buford has struck back, and broken Sertesh's sword.  The unknown I have called Buford wins!

Well, that army is mine now.  Ser'tesh'threll'shan is dead.  Thanks, whoever you are.  My work here is done. Now I must go and conquer the world. GOODBYE! MUHAHAHAHA!!!




*David's best joke of the day.

Jared's (Kalaxir's First) LEGO review

HEY GUYS, IT'S DARK LORD KALAXIR HERE FOR ANOTHER LEGO SHOWCASE. 

THIS WEEK ITS MY RIVAL DARTH VADER"S IMPERIAL AT-AP.

 THIS VEHICLE IS WORTH THE FIFTY BUCKS THAT I DIDN'T PAY FOR IT. (It was a gift)

IT COMES WITH AGENT KALLUS (Callous, good pun Star Wars Rebels!) A STORMTROOPER, AND TWO PILOTS.  ALL BUT THE STORMTROOPER ARE EXCLUSIVE TO THIS SET AT PRESENT.

(That helmet looks vaguely familiar.  Dem sideburns!)

 SINCE I'M A DARK LORD, I'LL START WITH THE PROBLEMS.  EVER TRIED TO GET ONE OF THESE THINGS TO WALK?  THERE IS ONLY ONE HINGE ON THE LEGS, MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO MOVE ACCURATELY.  

FURTHERMORE, THERE ARE TWO MISSILE LAUNCHERS AT THE FRONT THAT SHOOT IF THE HEAD OF THE WALKER IS TURNED TOO FAR RIGHT OR LEFT. THIS CAN RESULT IN SERIOUS FATALITIES.  I ACCIDENTALLY SHOT MY MOTHER WHEN THIS HAPPENED! (True story.)

LASTLY, THE VEHICLE DOES NOT BALANCE WELL ON CARPET.  THANKFULLY, NO DARK LORDS WERE HURT WHEN THIS FACT WAS DISCOVERED.

HOWEVER, THAT CANNON ON THE FRONT IS SINISTER ENOUGH FOR MY TASTE.

THANKFULLY, DARTH VADER ALSO ORDERED A SPACIOUS INTERIOR.

THE REBELS WILL BE FORCED TO BOW TO THE EMPIRE, AS LONG AS THE AT-AP STAYS BALANCED! IF THEY USE CARPET IN THEIR SECRET BASES, WE ARE DOOMED!

OVERALL, THIS SET GETS A THREE AND A HALF OUT OF FIVE SCORE.  THERE, I RATED THE SET. MY WORK HERE IS DONE. NOW I MUST GO AND CONQUER THE WORLD.   GOODBYE! MUHAHAHAHA!!!

(Let me know in the comments if Kalaxir should be fired or not.)

Kalaxir's Proper Introduction

This is Kalaxir, Dark Lord of General Nonsense.  He will report on all Lego sets I (Jared) purchase from now on.  It takes  27 pieces to make him, 31 if you count the stud shooters he occasionally uses for weapons tests.  By the way, yes, those are  mechanical wings on his back.

Isn't he a beauty?

Full Name: Dark Lord Seroc Kalaxir, Ruler of General Nonsense, Begum of the Maloloan Illuminati, Concocter of Nighmares, Master of Evil, with an Associate's Degree in Engineering

Born: Unknown, but he is from the future.   

Birth Location: Unknown, but in what is now Southern Germany/ Bavaria and won't be then.

Home Base:  Dal'Tarif Fortress on the planet of Thanotia, located roughly 3000 light-years from Earth in THAT direction,

Weapons of Choice: Electric Staff, Red Pulse Cannons, Evil armies, Time- Distorting Wings

Favorite Occupations:  Hosting Dark Lord fights, gaining power, altering history for the worse, watching Michael Bay movies, gaining power, conquering worlds, reading Edith Wharton books, and general nonsense.  Did I mention gaining power?

Pet Peeves: Losing, Protagonists, Superhero movies, Romantic comedies, reading non-depressing books, (which is why he reads Edith Wharton), other villains upstaging him, jokes (he never understands the punchline)

Known Affiliates/ Buisness partners: Darth Vader, Saruman, Ultron, "Buford"*, The Dark Army, the Borg, Thanos, Howard the Duck, the Weeping Angels,  Randall Flagg, Green Goblin/ Norman Osborne, the Emperor, Count Dooku, Vladimir Dukov*, Dracula, Gyntho Duras*, the Joker,  Harrison Wells/ Eobard Thawne, Jar Jar Binks, and many other masters of evil.  *My own characters

Known Enemies: The International Red Cross, the Avengers, the Jedi, the Doctor, Batman, the Federation, and all other organizations or individuals devoted to good,

Sorry/ Update #2

Kalaxir, the Dark Lord of General Nonsense, would like to inform everyone that this blog is still running, and that more articles will be posted.  Sorry about the delay.